[ 11.25.2003 ]
Active/inactive
"What the bloody hell I did on my holidays"
Let's see...
I haven't written anything here for weeks now. To be honest, I've given serious thought to give up writing a blog altogether - I haven't written even my personal diary for a month! Then again, I believe I'd surface after a few weeks/months with a new
blog with a fresh start and that'd make me feel more than a bit silly. Quitting for al-to-get-her is a baaaaad thing to do, if I'll just make up a new one later on. Desperate. Why not keep on writing under the same name? Why not indeed.
I'M ENTERING THE INACTIVE STATE, by not being passive. Just doing something completely different. I've already done some graphics and reconsidered how I wan't my blog to look. As you probably knew, this one's a ready-made template by Blogger that just happened to please me back then. Stay tuned. I think I might get something done for the 2004ev.
So that's about the excuses for not writing. Fine. At the moment I certainly haven't got any spare time, and if I had, I'll book myself some project in no time at all! Can't stay put.
It's about a month ago SSS and I broke up. Haven't cried since november 17th, but then again, That's what I'd like you to think, so there's no reason to trust me here. Well, really, haven't wept much after that. It's strange, how clearly the world that day changed. What happened ?Oh, I don't know! I just didn't feel that bad that day and there was all these things to do I liked. I guess, I just took the remains of my self opinion by balls, then. Now I manage being
just friends with SSS, though it still feels awful. And neither of us wan't to goon about cruing. We're both
meeting people, with fixed feelings and intentions. You probably know how it's like. For me, no one compares to her, no one comes even close - at least, not yet. But then again I'm not after substitutes, can't settle for one. And if I could, I wasn't probably worth one. It's just that, to me, life without sex life is half-life. And I have to keep some things separated in order not to tie myself in knots.
I have come to work every bloody weekday, except for two days I took day off. I've managed to master a pre-mixed single and recorded a demo tape of six new songs with a band of mine. And there's a new project we're starting with a group of noise-artists, I have met, having some mutual interests in the esoteric/occult stuff. Actually I've met quite a few people
(yep, and there's more to it than I'm willing to share today) around - it follows naturally from going out a lot. I've sat three days indoors at home for the last three weeks, which have taught me to drink non-alcoholic beverages in bars. You learn something new ever day, don't you, when hanging around in rock bars? Oh, and I've got to admit I've developed quite a habit of smoking again - there can be seen causality between these two things.
And I bought that 12-string bass guitar. God it sounds wonderful through a split effect loop with different sets of distortion pedals on each! Then some detune chorus and voila - overture of apocalypse! I've been told by SSS it should be named "Morgana", though I think it's more typhonian by nature (when played through the effect loop). Hold on to your hats, it's truly an instrument of sonorous chaos, this one. Maybe I should offer you a special sample some day?
just for you, looky-looky my friend, special price, only today, good for you, see, real gold, yes, special price only for you... What - I shouldn't?
You're telling me?
Mr EagleOwl [9:21 AM]
[ 11.11.2003 ]
hrmph
home alone, alone
We'll see when I start to write something
not about S.S.S. That's how it is, being an amotional bird of prey. I haven't written my diary a single passage for weeks now. Maybe it too will change soon? Like my personal sentimental state.
Or then again, it might not. hrmph. blah-blah-blah-whimper-whimper-blah...
Latest new is I'm living alone - finally! Though it felt bad to move all her stuff out, I felt far worse to try to live on the heap of boxes and stuff scattered all around the room my quarters consist of. I felt I was suffering the worst parts of
1living as a single
AND 2living in a bad relationship, while
3she produced a mess around my apartment she didn't help a lot cleaning off
because she wasn't even living, eating or sleeping there! Like I said, feels bad, but it's easier not to have all that.
Doesn't feel too good to sleep alone, missing, but if I have to choose from that and sleeping with her belongings all around, I'll settle for the former choise. Readapting to the situation at hand. (No, it's not a gun, it's a situation) So now it's just me and blues home.
"With her belongings, without me, she's gone, baby baby why did you have to leave me"
You're telling me?
Mr EagleOwl [8:32 PM]
[ 11.05.2003 ]
blah
Too tired to go on about this or that.
Last night stayed up late, did an inventory through our home with S.S.S., and all this went in air of agreement and cooperation. The stuff and the craft-related stash of herbs, incense and like stuff got split nicely and fair. Cried a bit, together. She had got already an apartment of her own and though this was good news in many ways it also drove one of the last nails in to the coffin. Felt horrible, but if you're not inclined to do anything too desperate, what can you do but try to readapt to the world outside? Just horrible, I have to admit.
And now I'm bit tired. Fucking exhausted! Not as depressed as Sunday night, but feeling drained anyway. And I should probably look "dynamic" at work, having got a small time pocket money -extra for my job. All my schedules tarry. Too much things to do, yet not much things that'd provide me genuine elation from the vexation, frustration, sorrow and such things of synonymous kind.
Oh and one more thing concerning p0rn:
Should have guessed. A visit to
Something Awful reminded me that
they are Americans and thus likely to be a step head me when it comes to debunking the comic relief the White House is. White House - Vatican, 5-6 as Bush junior scores!
You tell me.
Mr EagleOwl [11:03 AM]
[ 11.04.2003 ]
Protection from p0rn is no laughing matter
and being depressed isn't gay either
At the moment, I'm lamentably depressed and though my
being me is very integral with my sexual appetite, it - being lamentably depressed - shows. I'm totally put out of smoke and all the "yee-haa" at the moment. One might think in the current marital situation of mine it is the most natural thing for me, after risking repeatedly my souls heaven share by having pre-marital sex. I just can't see it that way, no - my subconscious still works on all the sassy things, disregarding my emotional state. Now isn't that funny? Or obsessive? Or obsessively funny?
As SSS now sleeps on the floor (until she gets an apartment/flat/room of her own), I have got a habit of watching her sleeping from the loft. What do I do? Last night we worded the sex, as an absence of something mutual. I've been faithfully practicing sins of flesh, but right now I can't help myself from being a totally tiresome, not being able to sleep, nor too pervy though my little Simony Crickett
(more like Sodomy Creep-fit) isn't shutting his filthy mouth (ever).
I've been depressingly monogamous for... what, a decade? Probably more. I've got a pretty vivid imagination, but I've still got a taste pornography and unconventional sex, as the majority of monogamous men I know do. So in addition to being a rather trustworthy companion I've got p0rn-related "stuff" enough in home for me to get along with the days of not having creative imagination. Leafing through a XXX-fetish magazine of my choice still can't effect my emotional state, which is getting quite boring, really. And I'm not sure if it's the quality or quantity that don't work, or is it just me?
Protection from p0rn can be a hard (no pun intended, eh?) when there's so much people overly occupied with thinking sex. Possibly in quantitive facination, as goes for the culture. A whole
week of p0rn, suits the picture. And I don't even want to know the definition of porn/ sex/ terrorism/sexual harrasment /eroticism/ sensuality/ sin difference explicated by the White House. Not under
THAT man's order, though there's often a great fun waitting for one entering the mentioned website. But should I consider the idea, as I am myself in a fit situation not to worry for all that stuff. Perhaps I should actually work my feelings of loss and love rather than think about all the sex-centered musings I might run under the influence of Baphomet in a ritual circle. It might save my soul or something, not shaking hands with the beef, while America - the Land of the Free - are waging their war on terrorism and lesser ails their leaders' suffer.
...Oh for fuck's sake - put that goat-mask on and we'll invoke the fabled God of Templars where blood and sacramental wine is stirred.
Woo-hoo!
Get me?
Mr EagleOwl [6:00 AM]
[ 11.03.2003 ]
Friends and kleenex
thank you thank you thank you
Wept yesterday. A lot. Had rehearsals, too, during which I didn't feel heartbroken all the time. Also, I've had a lot of friends on the phone, to which too I've cried quite a bit. I should have them all praised in public, a good thing, friends and paper hankies!
"Regia, crede mihi, rest est succurrere lapsis."
What, me?
Mr EagleOwl [10:30 AM]
[ 10.30.2003 ]
Things just are not the same, are they?
being preoccupied with minding my manners all the day makes Jack a dull boy.
No, it's not going nice, of course it isn't! These are definitely not good mornings, so how come everybody at work mistake them as such? Oh, it is one of those things, manners, eh? Or just acts of mannerism?
Though waking up is nowadays not preferable to sleeping, yesterday went - for one part - relatively well. I felt clear at head and focused at my goals, after having a pint or two on sulking my loneliness and disappointment. And a chat with a friend of mine. Smoked a cigarette, too (tasted like shit and felt rush, but I
wanted to). Had myself through a few chants and meditations, and of I was to bed, after a small time cooking for myself only. Not too soon the phone beeped. SSS - my significant other - had sent me an SMS, going drunk and disorderly on how much fun she was having at a club with a new friend of her, and not to wait for her to show up as she had been invited to a after party "and boy am I drunk luckily the text feed works". I don't consider myself an aggressive person, but in a fit of temper I threw her side of the bed out of the bed. An apt and adult thing to do. And after losing my temper, I wasn't a bit sleepy. I was more than a bit frustrated and jealous instead. I couldn't even think of sleeping, going round the bend in my head - and I had already been just too wakeful for several days a row. And loosing it after a day of keeping my cool, I was disappointed with myself too. Climbed down from the loft to have a glass of cool water (or a bullet in my head) and a fit of crying, and a chat in the phone with Mr Aarnio after that.
After another LBRP I was back to bed, with foreboding of having a nasty near future coming ahead. In the morning I was just as sad as in the morning the day before, but I had actually slept quite well. I just can't sleep with her fragrance in my bed. Not at the moment, not having her. And I feel bad for working my aggressions and distress in such a way. But maybe, just maybe it was after all a well placed fit of desperation I had at night - possibly relieved enough steam for me to take it a bit easier here at work. But - isn't the logical conclusion I felt more lighthearted had I worked my aggressions on people going over good mornings and the crap? It isn't? It's an aeroplane? A bird?
You're telling me?
Mr EagleOwl [9:40 AM]
[ 10.29.2003 ]
Reschedule tour 2003
The Last night my significant other - finally - managed to spat it out, after a comely conversation (I swear that's the most horrific method of torture I used, it really was). The ...things got - finally - said, and I
know. Nothing I wouldn't have feared and reacted to for the last two weeks or so. But still it hurts, going that final discussion through. It does, even if you didn't love anymore. And I do. So I slept something like three hours. It shows. Or then it's just being a fresh bachelor.
'Say what?'
Mr EagleOwl [7:18 AM]
