[ 10.30.2003 ]
Things just are not the same, are they?being preoccupied with minding my manners all the day makes Jack a dull boy.
No, it's not going nice, of course it isn't! These are definitely not good mornings, so how come everybody at work mistake them as such? Oh, it is one of those things, manners, eh? Or just acts of mannerism?
Though waking up is nowadays not preferable to sleeping, yesterday went - for one part - relatively well. I felt clear at head and focused at my goals, after having a pint or two on sulking my loneliness and disappointment. And a chat with a friend of mine. Smoked a cigarette, too (tasted like shit and felt rush, but I wanted to). Had myself through a few chants and meditations, and of I was to bed, after a small time cooking for myself only. Not too soon the phone beeped. SSS - my significant other - had sent me an SMS, going drunk and disorderly on how much fun she was having at a club with a new friend of her, and not to wait for her to show up as she had been invited to a after party "and boy am I drunk luckily the text feed works". I don't consider myself an aggressive person, but in a fit of temper I threw her side of the bed out of the bed. An apt and adult thing to do. And after losing my temper, I wasn't a bit sleepy. I was more than a bit frustrated and jealous instead. I couldn't even think of sleeping, going round the bend in my head - and I had already been just too wakeful for several days a row. And loosing it after a day of keeping my cool, I was disappointed with myself too. Climbed down from the loft to have a glass of cool water (or a bullet in my head) and a fit of crying, and a chat in the phone with Mr Aarnio after that.
After another LBRP I was back to bed, with foreboding of having a nasty near future coming ahead. In the morning I was just as sad as in the morning the day before, but I had actually slept quite well. I just can't sleep with her fragrance in my bed. Not at the moment, not having her. And I feel bad for working my aggressions and distress in such a way. But maybe, just maybe it was after all a well placed fit of desperation I had at night - possibly relieved enough steam for me to take it a bit easier here at work. But - isn't the logical conclusion I felt more lighthearted had I worked my aggressions on people going over good mornings and the crap? It isn't? It's an aeroplane? A bird?
You're telling me?
Mr EagleOwl [9:40 AM]
[ 10.29.2003 ]
Reschedule tour 2003The Last night my significant other - finally - managed to spat it out, after a comely conversation (I swear that's the most horrific method of torture I used, it really was). The ...things got - finally - said, and I know. Nothing I wouldn't have feared and reacted to for the last two weeks or so. But still it hurts, going that final discussion through. It does, even if you didn't love anymore. And I do. So I slept something like three hours. It shows. Or then it's just being a fresh bachelor.
'Say what?'
Mr EagleOwl [7:18 AM]
[ 10.28.2003 ]
Survival strategiesI just might have to reschedule my near future a bit
Leafing through some occasional papers dealing with pragmatic worst case scenario presentations. As I'm now dealing with scene apt to lead to some of the worst of possibilities in my personal life, it's time to consider my survival strategies. Should I accept things as such and do my very best to adapt in agonizing stream of consequences? Should I fight, try to scheme and force things around - there IS ways to manage the personal crises, isn't there? Should I buy a fire alarm, extinguisher and first aid kit, gas mask, condoms, an insane amount of synthetic drugs, cyanide, and the like equipment? Or should I fall prone, waiting for someone to show up to lift and lighten me a bit, take care of me and all that(- most certainly I should not!); or maybe I should just lie down, very still, fertilize the pretty flowers the people bring? And should I choose the right to decide for my life: is it the rope, perhaps, or the gun? Or keeping up the daily nonsense, the routine and all that. Possibly with a grade A+ sunny smile though you can't even see who are you smiling at, through those grey, blank, watery eyes. Now THAT will surely do you...
There's so many strategies. And you can always smart ass yourself afterwards for choosing badly. So running simulations on worst case scenarios is elemental part in planning the survival strategies. Evaluation of possibilities is priceless. If she leaves me without table ware, after the electricity has been cut since I forgot to pay the bills for depression, how long can I survive the daily nonsense at work with blisters on my hands for trying to eat hot soup by making a bowl with my bare hands? And if we find piece in separating, is it still any improvement to what once was? And if it is, should we both or should we not have wild sex together? How about if Finland is occupied by armed forces and agents of extra terrestial intelligence I found out of through a transmitter implant in my teeth (Radio Werewolf).
According to some tests, my best survival strategies are the unorthodox approach to eliminating the problems trying to eliminate me. And should humor take part in the project "staying alive", or is it too hard while running like bat out of hell. The latest test results:
Which Survivor of the Impending Nuclear Apocalypse Are You?
A Rum and Monkey joint.
You're telling me
Mr EagleOwl [6:37 AM]
[ 10.26.2003 ]
>I see stupid people - they're everywhere."Of course I know
It's not just the people unable to handle the politics of body and individuality. Yes I know. While sex, speaking of it, showing off or having a body at all is too much to some, there's more! Unfortunately, there is, and everybody knows it. Try religious and political opinions, for starters. There's hicks to whom a vegetarian or a person of a sexual minority is an acute threat on their conformity, and as such always worth attacking. The "not armed and dangerous" persons of equal stupidity are very prone to start ranting or defending themselves and run after comfort of "moral majority" they think they'd ought to represent. East or West, they're everywhere and possibly I shouldn't be bothered to write it down. Like Ian "Lemmy" Kilmister put it, "Assholes are international."
So here's a new feature we thank homokaasu (transl. "Gaygas") for. Global stupidity advisory system tells the internet citizens about the state of the world outside the damn net, by referring to global political on-goings. From now on we can easily tell how serious stupidity is going on out there and should we go out... I mean, off at all!
You're telling me?
Mr EagleOwl [9:05 AM]
