[ 2.21.2003 ]
Giving her birthday presents
WWJD? With Mary Magdalene? Besides having door well bolted and "do not disturb" on it
S.S.S. has got birthday tomorrow. My Significant other I live with. And I haven't got any money left for any celebrating. Not for a flower. Yes we bought her a pretty nifty B.O.S. on beforehand when she was to write down some mroe of the unpublic material of the coven she is in. Last year I purchased her a handcrafted one-of-a-kind atheme, so it was next thing in line (and what next year? If things go this fast it'll be stoneworks for our herbal garden). I would have liked to give her something now, though, closer her birthday. And I haven't got money for a flower, if I don't ask her for some. Not after paying the rent, a few bills and stuff. It was fourth of February I had used my wages paid in 31st January, and since then we've been living on what little my fiancée got (study grants, occasional salary from part time job). At the moment it feels hard to go to work when it's like this, not really having much for an income no matter how rigorously marching there. But I'm stubborn at it. And altogether
glad that I can finance her studies and our costs... But you know, we the men - well,
gentlemen at least - are supposed if not obligated some things, like to come over with all this kind of diverse hardships - I think - upright, and buy the dinner, flowers, concert/drama tickets and the small but priceless gift just the same. At least neglecting all that definitely
wouldn't make me feel a gentleman.
On the other hand, what more could I give her besides me, you know, the wretched myself she so dearly loves, what? If it was for the money, she surely wouldn't have wanted to live with me in the first place when I was rebuilding my socio-economical life from the scratch. Sometimes when it hits me hard and I understand I'm happy, flabbergasted, embarraced, proud, sorry and filled with joy all the same time. I think the wandering lay-preacher from Nazareth - who was broke and lived on the good will of people back then - felt once or twice the same way with his wife. The gifts that money can buy are not in the end of the day the thing...
Happy birthday S.S.S., with all my love.
Mr EagleOwl [5:29 AM]
[ 2.20.2003 ]
Dope, rope or the pope
worst case scenarios in personal survival strategies
Not enough spare time
not to write but concentrate on my work, which isn't nice, no. Not since I'm way out of line already, way too maliciously mad to do any too sophisticated and sadistic paperwork on you people either, since it takes time and nerves of steel. Haven't got either today. Instead I'm quite likely to write. Or hit in the face the first one to burst in fit of good sports and laugh. Or if anybody comes overly cautious on me, asking what's the matter with me... And I'll try to be funny hee-hee-fucking-hee when I'm having my literal fantasies of beating my poor/well-educated and -paid patrons into casualties of my personal war against humanity.
I'm the kind of "bad mood" the people smash and break things - or faces - just for having that kind of "bad day", and end up in psychological tests telling them apart from the "sane and socialy capable" persons. This is frightening, in a way. I got depressed over
myself for loosing it, after having a considerably pleasant morning (contrasted to previous evening); depressed for loosing the feelings of calmness and serendipity of having this-and-this-and-S.S.S. (instead of not having and being completely alone). Shouldn't have thought another moment for it. But I did. And I came to seriously dislike some aspects of my present life and some persons in needlessly interactive relation to it. And I got too sentimental and detrimental about it (and mental in general) not to lock myself outside the doors without keys, wallet and such on my way to post office and work. And then I started receiving SMS's and email from these people
A line of passage deletedAnd then, after misanthropy came the selfdisgust for being a token of mentioned species.
I'm having too much to deal with all this shit, I mean, the people. Not that I wouldn't admittably be my own best enemy but the people, too! The sheer amount of the them! The class
1 persons of serious worthlessness, the class
2 persons of serious dislike and the class
3persons doing seriously their best being too fucked up for me to stand them...
A line of passage deletedand not only do they actively deny this but they also hold themselves the gift of God (of their choice) to all Creation. Sigh. And am I and S.S.S. my Love any special? Yes. At least I understand I'm not too different
sub aeternitas for anyone but me and a few persons not disliking me too seriously; or actually liking or even loving me. All of us, the souls captive in mortal defunct animal shalls, we're all the same being indifferent, all different and equal. And that's the reason why I've got to forgive so much the people not worth it - wether I like it or not. I think it's about giving them a chance I've got and - knowing myself ( a bit) - trying to stand as
a silent example of how things should be run in my opinion. But, you know, the people, being as they are... Why should anyone even try to prevent total nuclear holocaust for the interest of the masses of this animal if it's in heat for war?
The rest of passage deleted
Maybe it's something in me? No? Thought not, I have far too many friends sharing the mutuall disgust on these mammal-herds around us... the inconsidered and the uncultivated, selfish, materialist, biased, and bigoted-and-proud-of-it... Yes, I know you know more of those people than the other ones, those that you look genuinely up in admiration. And for me the hard part is that most of them are
dead. That's like standing as a silent example I mentioned of earlier, only in a more silent way, usually. The real question here is that of the medicin for my misanthropy, melancholy and nausea: "the dope, rope or the Pope?"
Mr EagleOwl [9:05 AM]
[ 2.18.2003 ]
Dyalogus creaturar moralizant 2003 AD
Been reading.
Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett and
The Owl and the Nightingale by anonymous, dating from twelfth century
era vulgaris. But foremost I've been writing the last few days. When I write I can easily forget myself and the slow hours fly by.... I should try to bring this to my meditation and ritual workings in a way or another, since loosing
four hours of a day clearly hints to loosening of the bonds of human-consciousness. But now, I've dragged my wretched self through such introspective impeachhments that there's no way having me documenting all of the stuff again. I've written yesterday and today quite a lot... adding to three pages of pure calligraphy (copying parts of Dyalogus Creaturar Moralizant by hand) and eight pages in my personal journal, so don't wonder if I'm leaving you with a short, passing note... kind of a thin really. Aohwwwwelll...
I found an ad in the web. "Looking for a person blah-blah" kind of an ad, personal ad, that is. Don't click
here, it's very likely to just bore you. Yes, was checking for a new email account for me and found another BVBVBVBV-person. Yes, I know I've said there's several of them in just me, in a way, yes, but there's at least this one locating in California, too. "Just came out of the closet and would like more guys to talk to. I love acting and the arts, reading, and other cool stuff." Well, California is far too far from my territory, and the males of the species are quite territory-centered. Besides, though I've got quite some contempt for
homo sapiense altogether, I've witnessed too many authors having sun-burned their wits awry in the sunny Californian raisin-fields. Not in the dangerous and funny way awry, just... the safe, politically correct fluffy-pink american awry, you know? I was afraid so, nobody should... "Oh well, I'll send this gay bvbvbvbv some hot email, such a lovely punch of coconuts this coincident - besides that'd be a dialog, one between BVBVBVBV and another, wow!" Well, in style of the Owl and the Nightingale or the like our dialogue could have turned out into such a postmodern cracker on medieval fables! "Dialogue of The Bvbvbvbv And The Bvbvbvbv, (a new translation from latin with abridged commentary)". Well, it could have were we two like two bvbvbvbvs can be, but, alas,
nomen non omen est. Not that I would have expected anything else, but no: he indeed did not answer my post. So it's no blow from this Joe, not even an answer. Don't know about his winds, really.
And then? What the hell should I know?! I said it was thin, I'm writing like a bad case of diarrhea. At least I know of my namesake in California, and that he's not too keen to answer people named "after" his own pseudonym (as he might think so, but check also
this). Besides, he might be a real tart anyhow!
That's it. I'm of to surf lesbian porn!
Mr EagleOwl [9:20 AM]
