[ 2.14.2003 ]
Just add water. Added links. Addiction to nicotine prooved by running head over heels...
Mr EagleOwl [9:51 AM]
[ 2.13.2003 ]
Loss of pleasure
denying those little exquisite things from myself
There's a lot lost and I don't like it a bit. And it feels that even the bit has gone missing, too! A little sparetime to write today, yes, in the end of the days... if I don't use it for other, "more productive activities". It's been like that for a while now, too much sparetime and godawful hurry wasting it all at work. Time I've got has got a most, and the most of time is what little the time's got. The rest is somewhere there at the end of the days of proceeding with my life and times. It's like that and that's the way it is (in finnish "Se on nyt näin ja näinhän se nyt on", don't know really if that sounds just as cocksre in english). I'm pretty positive time hate's it just as bbad as I. On the other hand or the other way around, it's likely to have something to do with me, my job and debt and studies of significant other. You might know how it is. If you don't, all the better, congratulate yourself.
Going to work to fund your living and other projects means taking time from the other projects (like living) for the more mundane things to indirectly do the more soulsful and meaningfuyl things; it's like giving a loan you have to pay yourself and if the figures don't match your unlikely to get approval of the annual accounts from your deeper/higher/outsider self. Then you have to start working out how the hell you'll help yourself collecting the time you own yourself. That's where you'll end having questions like those I've got and that counts as having too much sparetime to write - being busy with your self that is preoccupied with things outside your personal interests.
Not smoking makes it ever worse. I promised my Lady not to smoke for a while or something. That's not the same thing as quit smoking (good heavens, quit the habit of elegant gentlemen?) but I'm not going to make my promise void - just because it was a little vague - so I'm not smoking nor am I on fire. A pack of Gauloises is at the moment one of the most blissful thing I can think of. The images of sexy figures in my head, behind my very eyes have not only interesting pieces of clothing on them, now they've started smoking too. They have! Didn't know it could turn into an fetish
(does it make the non-smoking propaganda a sexual harrassment?I'm just wondering if...). Smoking and me, we're about to have lot's of love lost between us, and my signifcant other is trying to keep me smiling by means of cooking and baking and leaning her body against me
that way. Yep. But then again, as I have quitted a few times before (on my account, giving up smoking for a period of time longer than six months counts as quitting), no big deal, sure can do it once more. The bitch thing is I know beforehand it feels stupid afterwards, say, after a years and a half or two after quiting. No, not the quitting - that's only reasonable due to health hazards of smoking - but the
not-having-a-cigarette, when it wants me to.
Another thing: bands hasn't got a place to rehearse in anymore, so I've been fanatically playing at our soon to be ex-rehearsal studio. Actually, there's one verbal contract broken around this matter, too, and I'm restrainning myself from making this guy eat his own teeth for next lunch. I am, honestly, though I have these explicit fantacies of making him very, very sorry he fucked up his path of a deal we had made and made me look like an idiot and "fucked me like a bitch" - which gives me a claim-right for his agony, of which I'm trying very hard to refuse. Like I wrote, "losses of pleasure".
Maybe I should start smoking
pipe instead of cigarettes and - considering the restraining from acting violence - have
someone else do the dirty knuckle-work for me. Eh?
Mr EagleOwl [3:53 AM]
