[ 11.01.2002 ]
First of November. Kekri, Samhain and All-hallows-eve past for this year then, next pagan feast I wait is the birthday of Mithra (the 23th of December). Damn how days roll by... at least I've got all the most distressfull things done... we'll the acute stuff anyway. So now I can concentrate on my petty morals? And melancholy, naturally, should I care to harbour any. I wonder if Santa Claus will come to see me this X-mas.Mr EagleOwl [7:53 AM]
[ 10.30.2002 ]
Gnothi seautonSome hold knowing oneself as the goal of man and the hardest problem of them all. Others say you must first come to know yourself. The person here, behind these words really exists. I really do! But who might I - the narrator yours truly - be, if not only an alias? Surely not!
B can be read as V or B, their numeral value in hebrew is the same. V can be read as V or O, and again, the number the letter stands for is the same. There is a meaningful interpretation in name of your narrator, and the word isn't a hebrew one. The numeration equals all the same. And I'm not going to tell you what it means. I'm a mysterious bastard. Mysterious because a fellow finn of mine (a fellow, not afriend by any standards) once said in a book of his that in order to win the favor of Satan one should act mysteriously. No, I'm not kidding, really, he actually said so! That's the very reason why this comes up in conversations of my fellow occultists/cultists as some dire mistakes are better remembered to be the no-no's when you laugh at 'em. He also called himself as "the guru of the spirituologic association of Turku", which sums it all up for him, his association and Turku alltogether.
If you by any chance happen to think of all those aliases we so eagerly use while either discussing the stupidest of our lives in public or surfing and chatting pRon, pay an extra fifteen minutes to it some day. After writing a blog with names like Eve-76 or Dragonslayer-85 or Talibanbuttbang (uh..), have you actually made up a new limb to your person? Or maybe you have got rid of a part of yourself, possibly by giving it shape. Maybe you have even extended to creating a web-personality with face and a fake past. A narrative of a sort - just like me - that mixes truth and ...fantasy? Lies? Be it how may there is seldom a lies that has no truth in it - and eventually every Lie is true in itself. Making up a narrative image of yourself (possibly in a certain context in which some attributes are more obvious than others) doesn't always fit at all to same reasoning as having a role playing character when we start to seriously think of the effects they have on us. It's far closer to giving a voice to disintegrity of personality, though there's usually difference in sense of reality and how dangerous one is seen. Anyhow, even the completely serious and sane people start to go by name of 8½"Jörg-72 in the same time as they receive snailmail for Peter from phonecompany and mommy asking about has he met nice girls recently.
The thing is, these images tend to become real, and there's sense of reality for one night when you understand your alias being way better known than yourself, and that you unknowingly have grown to react in a different way to touchy topics when answering for your deeds as person A, not person B. Sometimes these alternatives/ multiples/ simulacrums just pop up from nowhere. Usually they start as a joke, a fun nickname which had a certain flavor, giving freedom to challenge and flirt with yourself; even raise above your social standards. And although this certainly sounds like a parallel to MPD Then "they" though part of you suddenly seem to be an ever deepening personality - like when you meet someone and slowly come to know him/ her better and better. Possibly it's the repressed crap inside your own head that fills them with the most heinous stuff (should there be any in your multiple) and making you fear of loosing the hold of yourself. They feel a genuine person, not something made up when thinking afterwards. That's exactly why these can be so frightening to some, though there's in a way nothing there that wasn't of us. The very first of them was having herself revealed to me and some hundred other people under an acronym of my name. And she fucked up my values and principles real good, and as an aftermath had even a go on the social life of mine when "truth" revealed and some persons got offended. But I hadn't felt that free of my self before, free of what and how I had thought I was. Later on I found out these persons/entities can know stuff that I don't, no matter we share one physical body. Creepy? It's yourself, creep. The fractures of your quite wrongly adopted self giving way for promising crises over what there is to be You and what else there could be.
Our persons are not that consonant, aren't they? There's dark side to us everyone (even personal demons and playground of the emergent entities called "demons" in old grimoires) even in those who so dearly deny anything like stray ends of personality as a mental disorder of the restless and immature minds. Well, think again. Wouldn't you just love to relive the days of confusion when the year-olders of your neighborhood did their trick to you and you didn't tell to mommy (and daddy would have only got angry for you for not fighting back harder). Or when your parents found out you lost your prescious virginity (as I have understood this just too often is told the parents something like four years later (not that I'd mind an early headstart..)) to "that little long-haired-no-good-satanworshipping-bastard Iswear by god I kill him I knew he was bad medicine" you actually still would sleep and do drugs with had you chance. Yep. The hard times when your personality wasn't that rigid but in crises, in metamorphosis like a moth. The past usually don't let go even if you'd forget about it and I most sincerily hope that you could find enough strenght to re-examin your painful memories. How the thing happened, and was that the way things really happened at all? And to whom? You? The person who rejects the memory? How can it have happened to you if you try to block away the personal bases that you remember it happening so vividly by? Some of the persons behind Killmequick-72 and MsNUcleanBitch are even more fucked up as there is to see. Probably more than they could in day-light admitt. That's what there is behind some of the geezers behind their aliases - lost tracks of personality they wander by night in chat. Restoring themselves, some, the others just to flirt with danger and mystery as they are born in filthy rich western countries and lack any real danger and mystical experiences.
Multiple personalities or a many-sided/out-sider person of various reactive attributes. I don't know, not really. I guess it's probably a matter of normative definition. Just like sanity. And as any person familiar with philosophy can tell you, this normativity has absolutely nothing to do with the truth about our personalities. Experience does, on the contrary, at least to certain point...
You WHAT?! Huh?! Still don't get it? Good grief... Have you tried a hammer? Or didn't it help? Want to find out more what is it with these people?
darkpersonalities and "multiples"
Mr EagleOwl [9:51 AM]
[ 10.29.2002 ]
Everything won't EVER turn out just finebut turning out fine even a bit would help on the long run.
...it's possible I'll be able to sort this chaos out. The cover layout for promo-tape. The stalled studies. Taxational problems. Maintainance f the broken amps of both mine and those I had loaned from a friend of mine for studio sessions (and broke there - the friend of mine is going this weekend to studio himself and wasn't that thrilled finding out I broke his amp too). And I probably will get a job from a library, even if I wasn't to continue my current position... The overall trouble with money and debts, I've heard other people managing them time after time. What's more important it's even likely to have a chance to fix my personal life and problems relating to relationship if only the overall scheme turns out fine, eventually, better than tolarable. That's what has been the most hard for me. That's where my most serious doubts have been. Even if the serious doubts have been occasional they have brought me down with the heaviest blows, as one can imagine. But you know - don't you - that once the itty-bitty things start to sort out, you're an itty-bitty bit closer to realising the solvents to the rest of your problems. No, it's not guaranteed one can EVER sort all things out, that's not what I ment. I simply said it's possible, and that it's easier to do it in pieces, as usually problems tend to sum up... Now I'm optimistic enough to have realistic faith in shoveling my life and myself out of this dung heap, possibly saving (or at least helping towards that goal) the very prescious relationship by solving first my problems. Being "realistic" isn't that easy though in this uneasy and fractured world. At least the stupidest things I've heard as well as the most rigid and antihumanistic have been uttered by minds claiming themselves to be "realistic". I find them usually to be ever more calculative, opportunistic and overly cautious rather than "realistic".
But one has to try his/her best, no matter how far away the shining Kingdoms leemed. In matter a fact I think being a realist is about demanding the impossible! Though I try not to be overly positive (since there's always the trap of naivety ahead the depressed feeling a little better) I have to make notes on every just about realistic possibilities of changing the natural flow of currents. One don't get anywhere if he isn't driven by his utopia with a realistic view: if one aimed to utopia and didn't reach it he was still more likely to get closer to it than his neighbor who thought being realistic is about settling for what life gives by a chance. I've got my chances but I wan't MORE! And I'm even as crazy and realistic to believe it's possible to have it my way... though It's possible too for my nightmarish expectations to be met and that I'm back in where I was a few years back (and believe me, that's a script of tragi-comedy). It is possible though I strife to mangle both my unwanted personal attributes giving me hard time, as well as the influences of so called reality outside my direct experience of phenomenal world.
Below is results of Personal Disorder Test I did for "fun". This time I made ...less alarming results than I did the last time.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Low |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | High |
-- Click Here To Take The Test -- | |
Mr EagleOwl [5:18 AM]
[ 10.28.2002 ]
How is it that things seem to get ever worse when they've started?At the moment... I don't have anything positive to say. So I won't say anything, no, not after these few phone calls adding to all the crap I've been so hard trying not to think about, in order to maintain my seemingly serene approach to this chaos and distress. I'm alive and back from vacation if it should interest anybody. I have had better seasons. After the holiday - which was quite good though not all that happy all the time - I have run to shit I couldn't have imagined being waiting for me behind the next corner... and now... I'd like another vacation... preferably in white paddes shell, far away from everyday mess and madness... another vacation or another life... or a gun... and a lot of bullets...
Maybe an orgy would do the trick just the same. It could be more... creative and.. something (well, SOMEthing indeed)
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Mr EagleOwl [9:19 AM]
